The Ultimate Ending

I am not going to lie to you, but one of my biggest fears in life is death. I am sure there are plenty of people that fear death, but when I was in my early teens I thought I would never be one of them. Death has hit my family in the past when my grandfather died who was one of my life’s idols, and I came close to 3 near death experiences. All these events were very traumatic which I think caused me to fear death even more or at least think about it. I suppose it is a dormant fear because my mind is occupied with a million other things, but when it pops into my head it has through provoking impacts.

People say that death is easy because you no longer have to deal with life’s troubles since now you are in heaven or hell. I cannot believe that because my scientific background does not allow me to. I do not believe in heaven or hell, I believe in the inevitable destruction of my mental and physical being. Removal from society with nothing left but a rotted corpse and memories for the loved ones, without any physical resurrections occurring.

I am afraid because my abilities to control the act of natural death are very limited. When I come across something that I cannot control and cannot find ways to control, it becomes somewhat fearful. I am afraid because I will not be able to see the next level of technology and the monumental human research and development that will take place after my death, although I have seen plenty already. I am afraid that I will not be there to witness my family go through numerous generations. I am afraid because I will not be there to see the human race continue the exploration of the universes. I am afraid because my awareness to sense and feel alive will be gone. There are a lot of reasons and those are just a few major ones.

They say that one day the world will come to an end, or to put it in scientific terms, planet Earth will run out of natural resources to support the life of human species in the form they are today. I would not mind being there for that and dying because of that. Maybe it is selfish of me to say this, but if I die under those conditions then I will be dying at complete peace knowing that my death was really part of the big ENDING. I would be at rest because no one else is left alive to enjoy their state of being and that there was absolutely nothing left to live for.

With all the dreams I have had in the past 25 years, never once did I die in them. Just once I want to dream that I died and come to my funeral as a guest. I want to be at my funeral to see who showed up. Family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, enemies, girls I dated, people I pissed off, friends I lost, people that loved and hated me, teachers, bosses, strangers, and who ever else that cared enough. I want to be there to capture their facial expressions and feelings. Once the funeral is over I want to see how the life of those people changed. I am sure people will morn at first and then get over it after a while, but I want to be there to see it. I will become just a memory, but who will the one who will bring up the remembrance of me throughout their own lives.

I am not ready to die and I do not know if I will ever be ready. I am sitting here stressing about life like work, friends, love, having kids, finances, getting married, having a successful life, surviving on my own, paying tickets and stupid fines, staying out of trouble, and dealing with just about everything else you can image, but in reality health is the most important thing in life both mental and physical and none of these other elements of life will ever matter when I am laying on my death bed.

The paradox is that in order for me to be happy on my death bed, I have to care about all these elements of life.

Nowadays, I think that I am running out of time when I watch these young kids striking it big or becoming web billionaires as I like to call them. So for now, I am going to enjoy life to the outmost capacity that I can in my current state and suck all the good out of it. Right now I am managing this particular fear pretty well by occupying myself with society. I am going to do my best and avoid death, but I am not sure if I can control the ultimate result of my demise, which is nature. My hopes are that by the time I am old, science is so god damn advanced that I will be able to freeze my head and attach it to a new body and somehow regenerate my brain cells, but it is way to premature to have those hopes right now.

Death is the last most meaningful event in anyone’s life, but not if they lived an easy and pointless life.